Struck by Covid

 Less than a week since Covid-19 swallowed and chewed me and my family up, we managed to get back our lives in small, bite-sized morsels.

We were in the middle of clearing out our family-cave at Kim Tian Road. It has been more than 15 years since we moved in and last renovated it, and it was time for another major spruce-up. So we prepared to clear everything, and move to a smaller interim rental family cave at Robertson Quay while renovations were on schedule to begin the following week.

The move was smooth, and we managed to settle into the apartment on the first day. The boxes were unpacked, the apartment looked fabulous and shiny, comfortable and well-furnished. The afternoon light through the balcony lit up the atmosphere and the view of the Singapore River was stunning. 

There was also large, glass coffee table between the couch and the TV. 

We never had coffee tables for the past decade, knowing the danger they pose to hyperactive, careless and always-running toddlers. We made a mental note to move it.

The next day, my 19-month old toddler Zubayr looked despondent, and visibly tired. This made him really cute, the Ideal Tantrum-Free Child, if you may. He was just quiet and smiling, but not too hyperactive. My other children remarked to me that his mouth was “shivering” in the car when we were driving back from Tamil class in Little India that morning, but I didn’t make much notice of it and attributed it to the cold aircon temperature in the car.

That afternoon. Zubayr ran a fever. I was still confident that he’d be OK, and true enough, he was in high spirits after a nap. That’s when it all went downhill.

He was up on the couch, jumping up and down as Talha (my 12-year-old) and Khadijah (my 8 year-old) were glued to the TV. Just as I came out the room with my wife, and just as I remarked to her how cute he was jumping like that, he missed a step and fell headlong onto the glass coffee table.

Those few seconds replay in my mind again and again, much to my agony. With his full body weight, his head hit, face down, on the edge of the table, and I could feel the adrenaline kicking in my system to leap to save him. But not a chance. Too late.

He screamed, as I dashed to carry him. (Talha was also screaming and we had to ask him to calm down.) My worst fears had come true - a deep gash had opened up, blood flowing freely onto the table below, and all over his clothes.

As I battled my rising emotions of “how could I not have seen this coming?” and “how could I have let him down”, my wife and I went to the washroom to wash off the blood and apply pressure. It was a small, but deep gash. I felt really sad, that his natural beauty had to be affected like this, and that he was in so much pain. I could feel that he was running a fever at the same time.

I told the children to hold the fort, while we rushed to Thomson Medical Centre for Emergency services. Upon reaching there, we were shocked to find that we needed to swab him before he could be treated, and it was a 1-hour waiting time. No way could we be holding a bleeding child for that long. We immediately decided to head back home to see our family physician. 

The family doctor explained to us that the best place would be to go to NUH or KK’s Children’s emergency, as they didn’t have the surgical glue to stitch up his gash. We immediately drove to NUH, having experienced much lesser crowds before. We were getting anxious with all the driving around but not having concrete outcomes.

We finally reached NUH. It was a gruelling wait. Only my wife Yasmin and Zubayr could enter, and I had to be outside. The ER was filled with people. All treatments were taking place at the triaging area, and not even in any of the rooms. It was cold and unsettling to know that some may be Covid-positive patients nearby. We had no way of knowing. 

Close to 2 hours later, Yasmin informed me that his Antigen-Rapid test (ART) had shown that he was Covid-positive, much to our dismay and shock. Why subject the poor child to so many things in one day?

About midnight, the doctors had managed to apply surgical glue and fix his wound. We went back home, exhausted and weary that our son was the first Covid positive person in the family.

***

The weekend was challenging. We had never seen Zubayr battling high fevers like this. The temperature stayed between 39-40 degrees. We had to alternate between paracetamol and brufen, and wipe him down with a lukewarm towel constantly to bring his temperature down. We all tried our best to isolate myself and him from the rest.

On Monday, Yasmin and my eldest, Zayed, had fever, despite testing negative for their ART. Talha and Khadijah tested negative for their ART, as did I, and I sent them to school first. After seeing the doctor at about noon, both Yasmin and Zayed had tested positive for Covid, and rushed home. I felt the inevitable was coming.

The next day, Talha, Khadijah and I started having fever. We tested positive for ART, and did not go to school or work. Our visit to the doctor later that day confirmed that we were indeed Covid positive.

***

The next 3 days, Wednesday to Friday, proved very challenging. It was back to circuit breaker times. My littlest son Zubayr, had recovered, and was chirpy and ready to conquer Robertson Quay and surrounding quays and hamlets. However, the rest of us only began the descent into experiencing fatigue, fever and cough.

My daughter Khadijah and I were especially affected. My body had completely shut down. I had frequent chills, I was weighed down by fatigue and lost all energy and verve. Yasmin, who fared slightly better than me, had to look after Zubayr during his energy-filled waking moments. Khadijah’s fever refused to go down over three days. The pain-killers would help momentarily, but the fever would be back up in full force. Her perky and enthusiastic self had receded into the shadows. We were very worried for her.

Things finally started looking up over the weekend, when all of us were finally fever-free. There was some cough and sore throat reaming, but we mostly felt recovered and back to fighting fit. The children were literally jumping up and down. The still-positive ART results dampened their spirits momentarily but they were hopeful to return to school and normalcy from Monday. I, too, was sick of being sick and decided to write a long post about the family’s Covid ordeal (glad you made it till the end).

Forever thankful for the blessings. If we had contracted Covid-19 before moving in to our interim place, we could not have started the renovation works and we’d have to isolate ourselves in an empty home filled with boxes. In some ways, there was also some merit in having gotten Covid together and to hopefully be able to resume our lives more or less around the same time. 

Swim Safe. Stay Safe. Eat Sakuns.

 Today's an end to the week... but unlike most other Fridays.

For one, we're in the middle of a pandemic. The novel Coronavirus from Wuhan has ravaged the world for over a year now. And we just had a second wave in Singapore with our community cases flatlining... phew. But the bigger point is... no going out that often.

AND the end of a tough Home-based learning week... man, it really does suck. Trying to settle the kids' SLS and making sure they know what to do, and trying to prep for my own work meetings and making sure I cover stuff in the agenda, and having the energy the whole day to do this and soothe my 11-month old Zoobi-doobi man and make sure my darling wife has her own downtime as well.

So... it was time to do what my daughter wanted to so badly do for over a year - go for a swim.

Now, she doesn't exactly know how to swim. Before I could sign her up for classes, the pandemic struck, and before I could sneak in an enrolment, the swimming school at the SAFRA near my place said that they weren't taking new students due to the people limits. DAMN IT.

But she just wanted to hang out in the pool. With her old man. Me. So we went, waited for about 25 minutes before we got our turn (25 people at any one point in time yozzzz), and we went it, walked in the water, splashed around, clowned a bit and got out.

Important thing was... she was happy. My Khadijah Tahira.

We then bought a whole stack of piping hot food from Sakunthala (a.k.a. Sakuns. Not to be confused with the other love of our lives, Sakon-Thai), and whacked at home. Delishizzimo.

Top 10 in 2012 (in no particular order)

This is an unfortunate post that gost stuck in my "drafts" for the longest time ever. So here's to my look-back at 2012!


===================

2012 has been a masala whirlwind of new experiences, old emotions and novel situations. I want to look back at the top ten things that happened in 2012 and reflect on the messages I gleaned from them.

1. New job at MHA - Bumpy
I have always been quiet about what I do for a living, apart from just saying that I'm a civil servant. After a fantastic 2-odd years at my previous place, I was offered a secondment at MHA and I accepted it. The start-up was rough but I soon got the hang of it.

2. Trip to Vietnam - Unforgettable
I went to Ho Chi Minh city with my wife (no kids) for a 5-day trip. It was an amazing trip - I felt I reconnected with my wife and saw so many awesome things. Most of all, I was impressed with the resilience of the Vietnamese womenfolk.

3. Trip to Kollapuram - Reconnections with roots
Sure, my wife didn't enjoy herself and Talha was extremely cranky. But I got to relive my memories with my family, as an adult, and Zayed really enjoyed himself.

4. Zayed rides tricycle independently - Pure joy
My 5-year-old baby man rode his tricycle independently. It was a magical moments, perhaps as magical as seeing him toddle for the first time. Next up - bicycle!

5. Spiritual reconnection - It's not quite there yet
This is a work in progress. I need to find my Teacher. Or maybe he's already somewhere and I'm not seeing him?

6. KL trip to Yuvan concert - Awesome company
Wonderful trip (no kids) with my wife and our two lovely buddies. KL's okay, concert wasn't that good but our experiences were awesome!

7. Actually finished 2 books - Good.
I did! I finished two books, but for the love of me, I can't remember what the hell they were! Epic. Fail.

8. Bowled over by Life of Pi
I think this was one of the two books I read! But this is about the movie. Simply magical and spiritual on so many levels.

9. One year of gym
I'm not quite Ajay Devgn (please forgive me but he's got a good body, really) but showed that consistency is key to good health, nice biceps and a good night's sleep.

10. Wife's company taking off
Nursing Muslimah had a fantastic take-off- I'm hoping it continues for many more years to come.

Top 10 in 2014 (in no particular order)

Yet another post which I doubt will be posted anywhere... but if it does get posted, yay!

A look back at 2014's most awesome moments for me:

1. A call to my Lord's House - Divine
I had a strong calling to visit the House of Allah - through a series of miraculous developments, my family of then-3 and I travelled to the three most holiest places in Islam - Masjid Nabawi, Masjidal Haraam and Masjid Al-Aqsa. Subhanallah!

2. The feeling of finding out that we were expecting our third child - Exhilarating
We found out that we were expecting our third child shortly after coming back from our holy trip to the holy lands. Pure joy, but also pure trepidation as we were also...

3. Going to America! - Bring on the Yankees
As part of my Fulbright (a high point in 2013) exchange programme, I was going to the USA to pursue a Master in International Public Policy at USC! The entire process, from preparing to leave to arriving in the States, was immensely stressful and utterly rewarding.

4. Selling my Car - Sadboy
I became Sadboy after I sold my Nissan Latio in May 2014. I had to sell it due to the US trip. It was my first car which I bought in 2010, just before the birth of my 2nd boy, Talha. To sell it was a very painful thing for me.

5. Packing up to leave for the US - highly emotional
It was like I was going to go and never come back - death. I put my trust in Him and just did this. Many a times I wondered why I had decided to do this shit.

6. Arriving in the US and getting used to left-hand drive - Oh Crap
I had the toughest time learning to drive on the other side of the road in the US. STRESS BABY!

7. First road-trip in the US! 
We drove to San Diego - pure joy. We swam with sea-lions!

8. Learning Islam in America - pure gold
Muslims in America have it pretty bad, but they are also pretty advanced in the way they want to impart Islamic values in the American context. We were blessed to have found a fantastic learning centre (The Institute of Knowledge!) to give us high-quality education in Islamic sciences!

9. Finding a place to stay - Allah's (s.w.t) with us
Imagine walking aimlessly in a foreign city, with a pregnant wife and 2 young boys in the summer sun, looking for a place to stay. We eventually find one that is (1) huge. (2) value-for-Money, (3) close to the train station, (4) SUPER close to the Hospital for my wife to give birth, (5) family-friendly and safe, (6) near the school where BOTH my boys can attend school at affordable rates, (7) near some breath-taking mountainous areas, and (8) very close to all kinds of amenities. MASHA ALLAH!

10. Giving birth to my daughter, Khadijah - BLESSED
My little girl was born on Dec 16. We had a natural delivery at Huntington Hospital. It is such a beautiful time for us.

Nine reminders when performing my next ‘umrah

I recently performed the ‘umrah with my wife and 2 young boys. It was a very powerful experience which will remain with us forever. I can’t even begin to describe my experiences here, so I won’t try.

But - I was able to jot down some spiritual takeaways from that trip, and will probably split them up into a few pieces for it to be more digestible when I revisit them later in life.

This one is a general one on the things I tried to do during the trip, which are reminders for me when I next perform my ‘Umrah (or Hajj). I also thought that it might be beneficial to share this for those of us who may be thinking of going.

1.                  Be Crystal Clear in Your Intention

The thing that can potentially wipe out any spiritual benefits of performing an ‘umrah is firstly the reason why you're doing it. You will get what you reap. If you want to tour the area for a "feel" of the Makkah mukarramah and Medina munawwarah, and see what’s the place all about, then you will get the benefits of being a tourist. If you are performing it as a duty to fulfil because lots of people are pressurising you to do it, then you will get the benefit of pleasing others. If you are doing it because you have a longing to be near the Prophet s.a.w. and the Ka'bah and you are doing so for the sake of Allah alone, then you will get rewards for that, Insha Allah.

2.                  Humble Yourself

Once you get the intention right, pretty much you have set the right direction for yourself. Now you need to prepare for it by humbling yourself to face Allah's Rasul and His House. You have been invited by Him and it is only befitting that as His guest, you begin the journey by humbling yourself. You can do this by constantly thinking of the trip, and making do'a in your daily solah to make the journey easy for you and those traveling with you. Remind yourself that it is by His Will that you obtained such a thought to perform the ‘umrah, and that He provided you sufficiently to be able to afford the trip. Not everyone has the thought, the time or resources to make the trip, so count yourself extremely privileged and blessed.

3.                  Make Comprehensive Preparation for Umrah ‘ibadah (acts of worship)

Now, take time to find out the do'as, niyyats (intention) and other acts of ‘ibadah to ensure you obtain maximum spiritual benefit of doing certain acts. For example: At Masjid Nabawi in Medina, make it a point to perform 2 raka'h solah at the area known as the Raudhatul jannah, and personally say your Salam to Rasulullah s.a.w. in front of his resting place, along with Sayyidina Abu Bakr Siddique and Sayyidina 'Umar ibn Khattab. At Mecca, know the do'a to say when first seeing the Ka'bah and when performing the tawaf (circambulation).

Also, read up on the significance of all the places that you would be visiting. When was it built? Why? What major incidents happened there?

4.                  Know Your Limits

The common thinking during a stay at Mecca or Medinah is to throw yourself full-blown into various ‘ibadah, such as performing all your make-up and superogatory prayers, joining for all jema’a prayers at the masjidein (masjid al-Haram and An-Nabawi). However, it is also important to manage your time here as much as you do so in normal life and give your body rest. Give yourself ample down-time (at least 6-7 hours of sleep in view of the Arabian heat), do your ‘ibadah at the masjid or ka'bah at night when it is cooler, and drink lots of zam zam water.

5.                  Bring your children
Many people dissuade others from bringing their children aged 1 - 8. Common reasons are that it would be “too much” for the kids to take, too hot for the kids, too crowded and the kids might get lost etc. But guess what - it is really okay. Everyone brings their kids there and many perform their 'umrah with them.

We brought our 2 boys aged 4 and 6, and alhamdulillah, it was beautiful. Kids' hearts are pure, so it is likely that they fully experience the barakah and grace from and pleasure of Allah and His Rasulullah s.a.w., and insha Allah they yearn to visit these places again later in their lives. Our boys, masha Allah, really enjoyed the experience of performing the 'umrah and visiting all the mosques.

Vital here is the pre-trip explanation sessions to the kids on what they will be seeing and experiencing to give them a better idea of what to expect. As parents, during the trip we were also prepared to shorten our ‘ibadah and prioritise our care of the boys AS a form of ‘ibadah, in case they fell ill or were very tired. I carried my 4 year-old on my back using a baby carrier when doing my 'umrah and that helped. My wife and I also took turns visiting the ka'bah and performing tawaf and solah at night when the boys were asleep.

Allah makes things easy when you bring your children. We experienced it firsthand. I can't recount all our experiences here, as this is neither the proper mode or time for such sharing, but I will recount one such instance. We made our doa's for Him to make our 'Umrah easy and to be accepted. Our first sight of the area surrounding the Ka'bah made us believe that it was very, very crowded. But as we began our tawaf (circambulation around the Ka'bah) with the boys in tow, we realised that we were completing each round rather quickly. On hindsight, we realised that we had no serious difficulties in completing our tawaf as human traffic in front of us was always seemingly clear and we managed to complete our tawaf much sooner than we thought we would.

6.                  Resist the temptation to speak ill of things

Allah will test whoever performs the 'umrah, and the tests may come in any form: from the travel agent to your children's behavior to the food you eat, there will be tests. Resist the urge to scowl, chide or scold people or speak ill of them in front of them or behind them. Refrain from complaining about your condition (hotel room, transport, soggy rice, mosquito bites) for these will distract you from your mission. Always, always, tell yourself why you are here – to seek Allah’s rahmat and barakah at His House, and to be in the company of Rasulullah s.a.w. And in the process of doing all these things, forgive and forget all small inconveniences, have patience in all matters and be single-minded in your objective.

7.                  Ask for everything, and supplicate for everyone

We all have countless needs and wants. We all want the best for our children, our families, our ustads (teachers), our friends and to a certain extent, all of humanity. Supplicate for everyone during your acts of ‘ibadah, and leave nothing unmentioned. Now is not the time to be shy. Allah tells us to ask Him, because He is ready to give, for this will not diminish him an iota. So ask for forgiveness, seek His Blessings and barakah, and keep asking until you cannot think of anything else to ask. When you reach that point, still ask!

8.                  Drink Plenty of Zam Zam water

It is only at Mecca and Medinah that we can get Zam Zam free of charge and in abundance.

It is reported that Rasullulah said:

"Zamzam water is what one intends to drink it for. When one drinks it to be healed, Allah heals him; when one drinks it to be full, Allah makes him full; and when one drinks it to quench his thrist, Allah quenches it. " [From Ahmad, and Ibn Majah]

So every opportunity you get, just drink zam zam. Fill your bottles with it. Give your children plenty. Keep reciting the do’a when drinking it, facing the kibla.

9.      Reflect

Whenever you get the chance, reflect on your experiences during your ‘umrah. Why did this special thing happen to me? Why did we face this challenege? What is the message from this incident earlier this morning?

Importantly, reflect constantly everyday after the trip. Do not forget the feelings and spiritual energy which you experienced during the ‘Umrah, and seek to remain in this state everyday until Allah gives you a chance to see His House and His Beloved again, insha Allah.

Three Signs

It was the month of the maulid. “Maulid” (or “mawlid”), in this context, refers to the birth of the Prophet sallallahu alaihiwassalam (may peace and blessing be upon him). This happens on the 3^rd month of the Islamic calendar, which is rabi’ul awal. I was, for lack of a better phrase, hell-bent to attend at least one maulid recitation session at one of the Indian Muslim mosques. This happens after the dusk prayer (maghrib), until the call for the night prayers (‘isha) is made. Indian Muslims usually recite the “subhanallah mawlid”, a collection of litanies that are a pastiche of historical accounts and praises of the Prophet s.a.w.

These litanies are only found in Arabic and where I reside, there was no English translation. I was on a mission to find a translation to improve my understanding of the maulid.

It was then I e-mailed one of my good Ustad friends, whether he knew of any translations.

He replied my email, and also without me asking, mentioned that he was going for ‘Umrah in March.

I read the line again. That was strange. He didn’t have to mention it. But he did. As he was also an awesome Ustad who spoke fluent English, he would be a brilliant spiritual guide for the trip. I replied that I was thinking of performing my ‘Umrah too.

He said that if I was considering going for the ‘Umrah, then it would be a most meaningful one if I brought the boys along.

I took this reply as a sign.

I said that I had considered the children, but that he just helped re-affirm my decision.

***

I was starting my gym sessions with a new trainer. He was the husband of my wife’s personal trainer, and since she had some idea about my fitness needs, she recommended that I engage him.

He was good. In fact, he was great. He knew his stuff, and was passionate about fitness.

He was also passionate about his faith. We discussed about our shared experiences and I found it his perspectives as a revert very eye-opening. One day, he suddenly mentioned his ‘Umrah trip in 2013 being a life-changing experience.

Hmm.

We spoke a lot about his journey, what he learned about life through that trip, and how it had changed his understanding of life completely. 

I went home and reflected on this. I decided that I met my trainer for a very specific reason, and that this was another clear sign. Why would anyone I barely knew, open up about his innermost spiritual journey?

***

I was driving home one day after a family outing, and while waiting in the jam that developed on the way to the MCE, I popped my wife the question – that I had been considering going for the ‘Umrah as a family, and what she thought about it.

There was a pause. I expected something along the lines of "it would be too taxing for the boys". The pause continued.

Then she nodded and said that it was a good idea to consider. 

My head took a double-take inside my head. 

We discussed and decided that it was indeed a good time to go to do the 'Umrah, with the boys in tow.

By now I was very convinced that the invitation had been given to me. Now the question was – what time was the appointment?

Time was running very short. Usually people booked ‘Umrah trips way in advance. I had about 2 months, and even then people said that this was “too last minute”. My ustad (the same ustad) had earlier informed me that he usually engaged a particular tour agency for his ‘Umrah trips, but that for his trip, there were plenty of people in the waitlist. I sighed and told myself that this might mean I might not be able to follow him.

Nevertheless, I called the tour agency and checked if my family and I would be able to go on a package tour in Mid-March, and the sister on the other end told me she would try, as I was quite "last-minute" (yes, I got the point) and there were plenty of people in the wait list. We decided that if we were meant to go this time, this was it - either we got this round or we didn't.

I waited. Meanwhile, we all went for a short trip to Bali for a holiday.

In Bali, I received a call from the tour agent, confirming that we had a slot and that my Ustad had pushed very hard for us to be included. What could I say? I prayed for my Ustad to be blessed by Allah without limit. Later, I learnt from him that my family obtained airline tickets even before his own daughters could do so…

And we were set for the journey to see the Beloved, and His Beloved.

The Invitation

The cold stream from the air-con made me pull up my jacket. I looked at my notes. The lecturer was reading whatever was on the notes aloud, like we couldn’t read.

The module was on a beautiful subject – the seerah, or life, of the Prophet Muhammed (sallallahu alaihi wassalam – may peace and blessings be upon him). It is the epic story of God’s Message to his most beloved creation, one man’s struggle to bring the Message to his people, his trials and tribulations, his faith in Allah and his eventual victory. It is the story of humility in the face of glory, piety in the face of triumph, miracles in the face of complete disbelief and Truth in the face of falsehood. It is the story of a man whom I love without having seen, and whom I look forward to meeting within my life or after it.

But the lecturer was not giving the subject its due weight. He was reading off the slides. He spoke calmly. Calm doesn’t work for me. It makes me sleepy. It makes me think of what I want to do on Sunday morning and what I want to eat for lunch on Monday.

It also made me wonder about Arabia in the 600s. I was wondering about Mecca in the year 650. I wondered how the Ka’bah looked like, and how it looked like now. I wondered about the paths travelled by the Prophets Ibrahim alaihissalam, Musa (a.s.) and ‘Isa (a.s.).

Can I see them? I must see them. I must see the Ka’bah which Ibrahim (a.s.) built with his son Isma’il (a.s.). 

I want to visit the House of Allah. I must bring my boys so that Allah can bless them and their own kids. I must visit Sayidina Muhammad s.a.w. in Medinah. I must. Maybe we all could perform the ‘Umrah in March?

The thought overtook me. The more I thought the more it made sense. I am young. I am able. I have the finances now. I am possibly flying to the U.S. for a year. What better place to visit than Allah’s house before such a life-changing period?

I thought about it some more. Some doubts. Did I want to put my family through such a journey, which would admittedly entail some inconveniences and hardships? Was I biting off more than I can chew in view of a possible huge-ass packing exercise before the U.S. trip? Could this thought merely be a flight of fantasy during a unbearably uninspiring class?

I looked around. The lecture still went on. The aircon was still making me cold. Everything seemed the same. But I knew something within me changed. 

Let Go

Things are happening at full swing. Looks like I might actually get to go to the U.S. for studies.

The U.S. Embassy clarified that I should get some funding from my employer in order to secure my candidacy. Suddenly, I realised that things weren’t that bad, and that the Plan is still for me to go. A sliver of hope opened up, but another thing happened too.

I began to realise that my heart had become too attached in getting the Fulbright award. Unconsciously, I had made it the front, centre, side (and maybe even top) of everything I wanted in life. When I made the clarification with Fulbright, and when an explanation was given to me on the procedure, something inside me awoke and came to its senses. This thing wasn’t such a big deal at all. I had let it consume me.

I was clearer now. I adopted a “let’s try for it, but if I don’t get it, it’s okay” mindset, and it felt so good. It was like I had let go of some vile thing that was hanging on to me.

Some time after, my employer approved my funding and this has bolstered the case for flying to overseas in time to come.

What this whole episode reminded me is the need to let go. Let go.

And if that something was meant for you, it will come to you, no matter what.

A meaning beyond being discarded like mutton dalcha down the drain

I've been using this Ramadhan to slow things a bit and be more introspective about things. The biggest takeaway for me is that (a) you will never know why certain things did or did not happen, although you can jolly well postulate until the postman comes home, and (b) the reason why certain things did or did not happen was probably for your own good.

Take, for example, my Fulbright Scholarship application. I began in earnest in Feb 2013 applying for the scholarship, reputed to be one of the most sought-after and competitive for studying in the U.S. The application process was rigorous - I had to draft 3 essays that were succint, informative, within a strict word limit and which explained my professional and personal goals. Basically, my entire life story and why I should get the award had to be in those few pages. Not easy, my friends. It required plenty of drafts and comments from a variety of folks. Heck, the toughest part was starting to write the first line. But it got better soon after.

Then I had to do my TOEFL and GRE. TOEFL was easy, since we have all been writing and speaking in English since we started watching Sesame Street every Saturday at 12pm in the 1980s. The GRE, my friends, was not easy. Not. Easy. The English component was alright, but the Maths did not sit well with me. I practiced long and hard, doing past year questions. In the end I did okay, but not fantastic.

Then there was the interview. Never before had I ever been so seized by the thought of "failing" an interview. By Allah's Grace, I pulled through and was spared the tough questions (I think).

Then the result came. I did not get it. Instead, I was offered what they called "alternate candidacy", which meant I will get the scholarship if someone who really got it, pulled out for some unknown or known reason, or if there is a happy excess of funding by the U.S. Federal government. Both possibilities seemed unlikely, considering why anyone would give up their award (unless they have a major life issue) and the States' fiscal situation now.

So was all that effort for naught? Of course. It went down the bloody drain. Pooft. Like a bowl of mutton dalcha discarded after a joyous wedding.

But then I realised that a lot of things were going for me:
- I had come until the interview stage. Which means a whole bunch of other folks got knocked out in the process.
- They did not outright reject my application. Which means they would have liked to have me on board but due to some constraints, could not.
- I had gone through the entire application process, and I know exactly what to expect when applying to study in the U.S. Which means I can try again and share with other people what to expect.
- I probably didn't get it because it's better for me in some way, which I don't know about. Maybe I'm supposed to have another kid instead of taking a flight of fancy to study public policy?
- I probably didn't get it - yet - because I have to learn to be patient?

So all kinds of introspective injunctions flew inside my head. And heart. And at the end of the day, I just told myself that wa la how-la, wa la kuwwatha, illa billahil aliyil azim, which means - "There is no strength or power except with Allah, the Most High, the Greatest."